IN PRAYER

Lord, I almost don't know where to begin. So many many of you have stepped into the gap for me when I barely had the strength to push and pull air. As I said before their are days when you gather mustard seeds and days when you lend them. Today is a lending, planting, watering kind of day.

Today I am asking you all to join together with me as I pray not for myself but for the world at large and the many friends around me who are just going through it.

I know how devistating it is to loose loved ones, be on the cusp of bad health, have relationships crumble around me.  So as my one friend said... THIS IS ME ....STANDING IN THE GAP...TURNING MY POCKETS OUT SO THAT ALL THE MUSTARD SEEDS I'VE SELFISHLY HORDED CAN BE SHARED...

I am asking all my friends, family and fans to join me in prayer...for those around us and for ourselves. When believing people pray-----

James 5:16

King James Version (KJV)

 ¹⁶Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

Father I know You've heard my cries, and the cries of those around me. We need a healing now Lord.  I come to you not only at the side of those who are even in this moment turning their hearts to you, but I come in place of those who can't even find the strength. Somewhere  the pain is too much, the cross seems too heavy and I am asking you Lord to breathe a salve into the farthest reaches. Spread your healing and love around those in need right now. Help them to see that they are not alone, never alone and even though these moments are dark, and the night seems so very long, joy comes in the morning. Its ok to cry right now...its ok to feel hurt and anger right now, release that now so that they can make room for the peace, for the joy. Father we know here in these moments that the deeper it stings the greater the relief. The lower we are brought the higher we will ascend. And I thank you now Lord, because I feel the rainstorm coming.  And I will not rush to find and umbrella or rubber boots: I'm gonna turn up my face and hands and dance.  For you are faithful.
And I praise your Lord, for keeping us. Even when we forget to keep ourselves, to keep each other.
Amen.

HERE COMES THE SUN

So I had a conversation earlier in the week with a reader and they were concerned that I might not be ok. 

First let me say...THANK YOU....because you contacted me and asked about me and my family I realize that   I am blessed. They say this is a dog eat dog world and that maybe true, but my life has taught me that its not the absolute truth.  As a species we do care about our fellow homo sapiens. Our humanity is a beautiful thing.

I write as a release...I could control what comes out, but thats not very "relieving" (trust me i know: even the darkest things you see here have been censored and filtered, even in my angst I worry about how much I can share and exactly what way to share it so that it comes across as in a way that makes you think but not insane) . And as part creativity and majority compulsion, not everything that comes out is "easy" reading.  It is real in that moment, Raw in that moment and Truth in that moment.

 I hope you follow along as I continue to ramble.  I hope that my ramblings give you pause to think, feel, laugh.

And since the last few of my ramblings have left some of you buying stock in candles for me, I wanted to let you all know that  your prayers and mine are working. They always have. And so I Ramble away...

The sun always shines. Even we can't see it. Hidden behind raging dark clouds or just the other side of the world. The sun always shines. Dark times don't last always.     ⁵For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. KJV Psalm30:5

Today I can't even pretend to be worried about the hard times. Some may call it fool hard. Some may say that I've been frivolous and flighty. And for the past couple of days I probably have been. I've indulged myself and I am glad about it.

With all the darkness that has been in my life, I realized something. Those times seem even darker too me because I made myself regret the things I enjoyed in the light times. In the times when things were lean, but I went a head and sampled the fat.

When the times dictated that I should scrimp and save and tighten my belt another notch. I've begrudged myself a donut hole or a candy bar.

WHY?  WHY?  The answer is that our humanity tells us when we are down we are supposed to give up those things, and its true, in the pursuit of the BIGGER PICTURE, we have to trim the fat back sometimes and live more than just a little lean.

But yesterday (friday) I spent money that I could have saved. The poor version of me is in her corner pouting, running numbers through her head, rapidly deciding what will have to be sacrificed to make up for this fool headed spending. The frugal me is calculating how many sales of books I am going to need to make over the next month or two to replace those funds.

But This me, who is light hearted and carefree is sitting on this lil' love seat smiling. I had a wonderful few days. My heart is light the sun shine felt so good on my skin. I'll never forget the way it caught in my husbands eye and twinkled as we drove with the windows down. And I am thinking, this is alright right now. It does not serve me to be so upset about things.  Why? Why begrudge myself these fleeting moments of happiness that spring from the darkness. 

 I WILL NOT.

ha ha ha Like the time my cousin tried to make her daughter apologize for throwing a softball at my mothers head "S. say you're sorry.  I NOT....I NOT SORRY AT ALL"

and what is more...I am not sorry about the hard times either. Because without them I wouldn't be so ridiculously giddy right now.  If things were not as they were, I'd probably still be sitting on this love seat blogging, but I wouldn't have the perspective...the clarity that I have right now.

The Lord himself commands that we should be willing to sacrifice the worldly and material things of this world for the greater reward of our eternal wealth in the next life.  But the lord also commands us to not pout about it. 

Moreover when ye fast, be not, as the hypocrites, of a sad countenance: for they disfigure their faces, that they may appear unto men to fast. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.  KJV Matthew 6:16

Now I know some of you are probably going  "Drea really, you gone post that, cuz you umm see your last blogs?"

And I am going to say back to y'all ...Yup. I've seen my last blogs. Hell I wrote them. Who better than me, who is guilty of wallowing in my misery to prove a point about it.  We all do it, to and extent, but I am not talking about everyone I am just talking about me.

Where I am going with this is, that I am tired of the warring with myself.   We are conditioned that our troubles should be our own but our triumphs must be shared. It is ingrained within us to suffer in silence.  But I have a problem with that.  There is a lot that I keep in and to myself, but I believe that my expressing myself I release the negativity that holds me down...So I am more apt to blog, deep and disturbing things when my mind is trouble, my spirit not at peace. It is not that my life is some horrible M.Knight Shyamalan movie, but there is a drive in me...in my creativity to find release. And I do that through writing. And trust me you guys haven't seen the darkest of things. Writing and blogging is the way I talk not just to you all, but to myself and To the universe.  And in purging those things that would hold me down I find release and renewal. 

I can look up and see the stars through the rain clouds that are  blown violently across the sky by the raging winds of life.  ¹I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

 ²My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.

 ³He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.

 ⁴Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.

 ⁵The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.

 ⁶The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.

 ⁷The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.

 ⁸The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.  KJV Psalm 121

Its like I've popped the top on a can of ENSURE that's been dancing around the refrigerator of my life singing DRINK ME I HAVE REVIGOR...

So I have had a wonderful  and Amazing start to this weekend.  I still have to finish packing and move and start the next chapter of the this crazy thing that is my life, but what I am trying to say in all this rambling is that I am ok.

In this moment I am ok.  Though I am not all Dali Lama enough to lie and say I have no regrets, I am not haunted by them right now.

I have the love and support of a wonderful family, amazing friends and two awesome tastic dogs.

I got a fresh hair do, ( new life new look you know how we do) and I've got my whole life in front of me.

And Here Comes The Sun  Sing it with me and Nina!   *Dancing around my living room with a big goofy grin on my face*

I think I'll have a bomb pop and go to the park and swing today.

Today is gonna be a good good good day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HERE COMES THE RAIN

I want to start this by saying I am OK. THank you all for the lovely emails and phone calls. Some times a body just needs to have a moment or 1000 moments. If you are one of those lurkers you're probably thinking I've had more than my share, and thats OK, I've thought that same thing myself.  Thank you to all my amazing sisters who poured out love and comfort. Your words and your faith, amaze me daily.  I hope that I can give that same support back in anyway I can.    I’ve just really been feeling some type of way today, as if all my emotions are those little plastic balls that get tossed around in the bingo clubs, bouncing off of each other and making this horrendous racket.  My nerves are raw. The air around me aggravates me to no end.

I feel the electricity in the air like the long awaited touch of a lover, but not the one you want to be with. Its like the lover that knows you best but is absolutely NO GOOD for you.  You know you can’t even stand his mamma for birthing him into this world but the comfort of being in his arms is so familiar, so sure, so primal that you crave it, so raw that you turn back to him even when you know you’re gonna wake up missing half the money in your wallet,  the watch your grandfather gave you, your car and all your dignity. The side of the bed you normally avoid is gonna be empty again, but his funky as cologne is gonna linger and your gonna roll over and breath it in, maybe have a tweet moment or two before you get up and wash the sheets and curse at yourself in the shower, before calling all the pawn shops to look for that watch.  Yeah, the barometric pressure is doing things to me lately. Its causing me to squirm in my own skin. I wonder if this is what the madness that afflicts those lost in the Outback feels like.  It’s a slow process, taken me thirty one years to get here with it.  And some days I don’t even remember I have it.  I am fine and I wake up and do the shit that fine people do. I eat, sleep, dream. And then the weight of the world starts to press down on me in ways I can’t explain. And I think to myself “””SELF YOU NEED TO GET LAID OR GET DRUNK!!!!

And my self says back

I KNOW RIGHT!!!???

And then the rain comes, finally, the clouds have been hanging heavy over my head, the lighting peeking out hear and there to tease me. Thunder shakes the foundation of my life. But the rain…ah the rain, is beautiful. It starts out slow sometimes, just a drizzle or a shower. And sometimes it comes in torrents so hard a fast that my world is flooded and I am desperate to keep my head above the water line. But it always comes and it washes away all the cobwebs and the dulldrums. It waters all those mustard seeds that I’ve lost in the dry cracked draught ridden Texas soil. And things begin to grow and blossom. The foliage covers up the ugly bare branches. The air is fresh and clean and the winds whisper through, blowing out the stale and stifling scent of the past. And  just like that I am cleansed and renewed.  Ready to move one and try again, but slowly this time.

I think I’ll still just rest a while longer here with my mustard seed. And maybe I’ll just watch the rain as it sheets down the windows, maybe I’ll go out side and breath in the scent of it, dip my toes of the porch and feel the cool drops on my heated skin. And maybe I’ll just sit right hear and listen to it, let it sing me a lullaby and soothe all those tender spots that were aching from being dry. 

Just lay right here and let it fall. Yeah, I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain


ps i love this font so i bought it.  im sorry if its hard to read, Just wanted to see how my words looked.  Its called bleeding cowboy, apt if you know what i mean.

                                                                                                                                                                         

A Blog For You.

Some times this life is too much.
More than anyone having even a mustard seed of faith can handle.  Sometimes it takes truck loads and truck loads of mustard seeds, virtual mountains of mustard seeds.
Some days, it takes loosing that lil' seed or packet of seeds or truck load of seeds.  Some days you just have to lay your faith down and say "ummmmm excuse me Mr. Jesus's Dad. Hi, yeah its me down here again and ummm, imma just lay right here ok and I'll get up and find that seed in a minute or tomorrow or next week. But right now...I gotta just...be right here".
Thats not saying you've given up on your faith. You just have to lay down ON your faith and rest a while, which is all Mr Jesus's Dad wants us to do a lot of the time anyway.
Lay Down and rest and watch him do the hard stuff.  But He gave us this shit called free will, which messes us up, it makes us think we have to do it all. all on our lonesome.
And its a lot of it that we do have to do alone. Somethings that even our faith can't really carry us through, but we have to go through it to FIND our faith. To Strengthen ourselves.
We smile when someone meets a goal that we've aimed for but haven't reached. Will likely never reach.
We accept in our lives that things  aren't meant to be ours, even though our hearts still long for them.
We silently suffer on, when all we want to do is punch the people who are complaining about their house, their kids, their car, their rained out vacation, because all those things seem unobtainable to us.
But we smile and bob our heads in that way that says we commiserate with them. We understand, we EMPATHIZE all the while we are are twisting that lil package of seeds in to powder that we can add water to and spread on a big ole dookie sandwich that we'd like to shove across the table to our poor poor broken fellow man and smile and say "shit sandwich for you today?  its got faith sauce on it, cup of steaming piss  to wash it down,"

But we don't.  We smile and we say. Have a little more faith and we hand them one of our mustard seeds that we've been studiously saving because in our hearts if one mustard seed can move mountains then we need ALLLLLLL the mustard seeds, throw in some collard greens and turnips too.

Somedays it takes all that...some days I have to borrow a  mustard seed. Somedays I have to loan one of them out.
I've had to borrow more than a few lately. Yesterday I borrowed a truck load as life through me a couple of hard balls. But I am still in this game. And I have my mustard seed. I'm just gonna lay down right here with it for a while, though. I'm not gonna keep trying to plant it. Water it and grow it. But I am gonna look at it in my hand, like a child studies a roly poly bug. I am gonna think about it, and marvel at it and rest a while. And maybe tomorrow, I'll get up and have biscuits and coffee with it, this tiny mustard seed and my dear friend aunt flo.  I might put some strict 9 in her tea, but that's another story.

But for now its me and this lil seed and Leon Russell
and we're singing this song for you.

having something to say but not being able to find the words sux

And it sucks bad. It sucks big ass donkey nuts.
Folks will tell you, "just say it" but they don't understand you can't. you open your mouth and not even air comes out.
but your heart  sings like Hannah's. It cries out not only to the Lord Yahweh, but to every person walking by.
If you could hear it, if only I could plug in the speakers into my chest and let the blusey reverberation flow through to you.

The smoke vibe of some back woods juke joint, would suck you in the soulful moans bring tears to your eyes, burn your throat with passion.

THe Bass would be so deep your bones would dance, they'd find themselves mellow and limber and dance . like rubber bands...they would slink and sway.

If only you could hear the words stuck here...beneath my breast. Trapped in the only place that they are safe. Where they can harm no one but me.

And they do so much harm, trapped here inside where I can not reach.

I have something to say, but I guess I'll find the words some other day.

here comes one of those hermit stages

So, I don't typically warn people before I go deep cover. I mean some times I give false warning because I need a mini break to get something done like edits or a family trip or something.

Today though, I am tired.  And I know if you've been around me long enough you've probably heard that before, but right now at 1:30 am on March 4th 2012, I am tired.

Not the kind of tired  you get from a long day at work or a trip or anything, but the kind of tired that leaves your soul aching, your spirit gasping for air.
The kind of tired that leads to those stupid commercials with the wind up dolls and the dogs looking at their masters wanting to go for a walk. Yeah that kind of tired, but more.
The kind of tired that makes people who aren't used to you going deep cover start asking if you "talk to someone or take something for it".

I'm tired. And I got a lot of  shit to do. But this is nothing new. Everyone has shit, issues, problems. I just have to find a new outlet. Or maybe I have to many outlets. Maybe my husband is right, I share too much. Let too many people into to places that no one needs to be.

"People come to need to know your business babe, and you need to share it, but sometimes they need to know more than you need to share. They get to attached." He says.

Maybe I like that you like me. Maybe that fuels me.  Or maybe I don't care. "you don't care that these people need you, you give them something they don't have when your gone, and you can't do that. you can't take that away after you got them hooked" he says.

Maybe  its not them thats hooked. Maybe its that I do care.
Maybe its 1:35 in the morning and I am tired so this shit makes no fucking sense.

Maybe I'll go to bed and contemplate the number of times my ceiling fan rotates per minute on high.

Maybe its time to go to that place were nothing matters, nothing hurts nothing moves.

Automation.

Sounds like a plan. Open cave, insert Drea, Close cave.

Yeah...sounds good.

Only way to stop the hamster from spinning on the wheel is to take the wheel  
or kill the hamster, but thats just cruel. Hamster can't help it that the wheel is there to spin.
he just gets off when he is tired.

yeah..time to get off the wheel.