Just heard Iyanla Vanzant say " a wound needs a witness." very deep thought there.
I was having a conversation with someone about trying very hard to heal from the past few years. The conversation started by her expressing how something pretty terrible had just happened and she was so over the experiences of trying to hold on to this particular relationship.
I felt her... to my core I hurt for her, because I knew exactly what she was saying. I will go one step beyond Iyanla and say that some times " the wounded just needs the person who WOUNDED them to acknowledge it" We don't necessarily need you to apologize or apolo-lie. We just need you to stop throwing punches and then hiding your fist. Own up to the fact that you HURT me. Stop dancing around my pain. Stop silently poking my wounds, throwing salt.
There is a fallacy in the saying mind over matter. Outwardly you can put on an impenetrable facade, but on the inside the whole structure of your life is crumbling. You are weaker than the levees in New Orleans. You are weaker than a politicians promise. YOU are waiting for the softest breeze to knock you over. BECAUSE YOU DO MIND. Just stating the words mind over matter, tells the world that you do MIND, you're just trying to find away to cope. To fake it 'till you do make it. If you didn't mind, if you didn't hurt, you wouldn't even have squeaked. You wouldn't have needed to say " oh i'm not worrying about that". Truly, when something is so inconsequential to you that you Don't mind, it never even makes a blip on your radar.
So yes...some times a wound needs a witness. Not just any witness, either. Sometimes you have to be brave enough to say to the abuser "YOU. HURT. ME." Two things happen then. You make yourself admit that you've been hurt. Accept that it is ok that you've been hurt. And that its not your fault that you've been hurt. And you give that hurt back. You put it back were it came from. A wound doesn't need reciprocation, just a return to sender stamp. I don't want to hurt you.. I don't want you to apolo-lie for hurting me . I just want you to acknowledge that you've hurt me.
I have to be honest right now. What I said just then, about not wanting to hurt you. That's a lie...some times I really want to hurt you back. I want to make you publicly admit that you hurt me and I want to take that hurt and shove it down your throat. Because I'm tired of it choking me to death.
But that's not what adults do is it? Adults take it on the chin, pack it away in boxes, and carry it until we can forget about it or God forbid, give it to someone else.
I'm doing my best not to carry it anymore. I can't...i am not brave enough to go to each person and say "you've hurt me"... but I can leave it here... right here in my own little corner of the internet ... I can shout it out.
YOU HURT ME.
YOU HURT ME.
YOU HURT ME.
And I hope you stumble upon it and you find your hurt right here. I hope it jumps on you like a rabid Capuchin monkey and gnaws at your heart. Rubs itself right into your skin and settles there like the sting a million fire ants. I hope you choke on it. And that it swells up and waters your eyes and you struggle for breath until you truly acknowledge it.
But I'm not going to carry it anymore. I'm going to do my best daily not to come here and check on it like an orphaned kid. I'm not going to keep dialing its number and then hanging up when it answers. I'm not going to drunk text it and then pretend not to remember the next day.
I'm just going to leave it here.And pray for you until I don't need to pray any more.
If you've read this far... this is my wound and you have been my witness. Thank you.
I was having a conversation with someone about trying very hard to heal from the past few years. The conversation started by her expressing how something pretty terrible had just happened and she was so over the experiences of trying to hold on to this particular relationship.
I felt her... to my core I hurt for her, because I knew exactly what she was saying. I will go one step beyond Iyanla and say that some times " the wounded just needs the person who WOUNDED them to acknowledge it" We don't necessarily need you to apologize or apolo-lie. We just need you to stop throwing punches and then hiding your fist. Own up to the fact that you HURT me. Stop dancing around my pain. Stop silently poking my wounds, throwing salt.
There is a fallacy in the saying mind over matter. Outwardly you can put on an impenetrable facade, but on the inside the whole structure of your life is crumbling. You are weaker than the levees in New Orleans. You are weaker than a politicians promise. YOU are waiting for the softest breeze to knock you over. BECAUSE YOU DO MIND. Just stating the words mind over matter, tells the world that you do MIND, you're just trying to find away to cope. To fake it 'till you do make it. If you didn't mind, if you didn't hurt, you wouldn't even have squeaked. You wouldn't have needed to say " oh i'm not worrying about that". Truly, when something is so inconsequential to you that you Don't mind, it never even makes a blip on your radar.
So yes...some times a wound needs a witness. Not just any witness, either. Sometimes you have to be brave enough to say to the abuser "YOU. HURT. ME." Two things happen then. You make yourself admit that you've been hurt. Accept that it is ok that you've been hurt. And that its not your fault that you've been hurt. And you give that hurt back. You put it back were it came from. A wound doesn't need reciprocation, just a return to sender stamp. I don't want to hurt you.. I don't want you to apolo-lie for hurting me . I just want you to acknowledge that you've hurt me.
I have to be honest right now. What I said just then, about not wanting to hurt you. That's a lie...some times I really want to hurt you back. I want to make you publicly admit that you hurt me and I want to take that hurt and shove it down your throat. Because I'm tired of it choking me to death.
But that's not what adults do is it? Adults take it on the chin, pack it away in boxes, and carry it until we can forget about it or God forbid, give it to someone else.
I'm doing my best not to carry it anymore. I can't...i am not brave enough to go to each person and say "you've hurt me"... but I can leave it here... right here in my own little corner of the internet ... I can shout it out.
YOU HURT ME.
YOU HURT ME.
YOU HURT ME.
And I hope you stumble upon it and you find your hurt right here. I hope it jumps on you like a rabid Capuchin monkey and gnaws at your heart. Rubs itself right into your skin and settles there like the sting a million fire ants. I hope you choke on it. And that it swells up and waters your eyes and you struggle for breath until you truly acknowledge it.
But I'm not going to carry it anymore. I'm going to do my best daily not to come here and check on it like an orphaned kid. I'm not going to keep dialing its number and then hanging up when it answers. I'm not going to drunk text it and then pretend not to remember the next day.
I'm just going to leave it here.And pray for you until I don't need to pray any more.
If you've read this far... this is my wound and you have been my witness. Thank you.
Very good Drea as usual.
ReplyDeleteWow. Especially loved the new word I will be mentally using with the Ex: Apolo-Lie!
ReplyDeleteHaving been there I understand and agree. But here is what I learned from dealing and healing from my wound: I had admit to the wound and the depth of my wound. And I could be healed and happy again even if the offender NEVER acknowledged his part or apologized. I wanted him to admit to breaking my heart and trying to destroy me in the process and for a time I felt like I needed that to get over the whole mess. After a gazillion gallons of tears, boxes of tissues and countless hours of talking to God and my friends, I realized while he was refusing to apologize, I could let it go and begin the journey to wholeness without his punkass. It took some time with a therapist and a whole bunch of time with God in prayer before I forgave him for hurting me but I did. Asshat never admitted to hurting me but he also was exceedingly uncomfortable around me until he moved away.
ReplyDeleteyes, sometime we have to be our own witness... we have to admit out loud to ourselves and to the world that we are wounded.. and then seek help to heal! *hugz*
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