Mood Music. Simply red…I think my love of all things ginger
started with him( yes, I know S.R. is the whole band but HE is who I’m talking
about, stop acting new)
So, I've been feeling really whimsical lately.
Stuck in the past in a good way.
Learning to let go of all the things that have hurt over the last few
years has been a difficult thing, but as I get better at it, I get to reflect
on some of the simple things that made me happy.
I have
actually been really happy with some memories.
Content to just look back and be glad of the way things were. I am able to look back on them without the
yearning for them being so strong that it prohibits me from recognizing the
whole truth ( I have to make myself take off the rose colored glasses) and
living my today.
I miss
those times. As a thirty three year old
me I can say that my actions contributed greatly to the demise of those
times. I fully own that I had a role in
the way life played out.
I can’t
tell the whole story because, again, sometimes when we talk about our lives we inadvertently
reveal other’s lives as well.
Life
was simpler a decade ago. I was newly engaged and fresh out of a lot of
shenanigans. Really, still a babe in the
woods. Everything was fresh and new and exciting. And I met some of the most
fantastic people. People who somehow
came to mean so much to me so quickly that when I think of when the last time
we spoke my heart breaks and my breath catches.
As with
all things life moves on though…some relationships have faded away
completely..not for lack of attention but just because that’s the way life
is. Some have stumbled, tripped
stuttered, faltered, blown up, crumbled and blown away with the wind. Some have been mended with the duct tape,
super glue and baling wire of time. Held
together by tears and laughter, they have evolved and changed in testament to
the people we have become. The courage
and compassion in our hearts. The indomitable spirit that drove us together.
Tonight
I got to spend a couple of hours with two of the most important women in my
life. The recent years, life and everything
that goes with it had split us. I have
to admit that even though I clung to them as if my very survival depend on it,
I didn't honor them or our bond.
I didn't respect them enough to say the words that even now are trembling on my finger
tips. I feel like a child whose parents are divorcing. How do I fix it, how do
it put it back together? Only unlike that child, I know that I have a culpability
to answer for. I know that I played a role in the break down. And I know that
it can never go back, never be the same and I wouldn't want it to. Who we are now matters too much to erase it.
Deep
breath.
I miss
you. I don’t like that our lives have
changed so much. I don’t want all the new people who are there/ here between
us, taking up your time and attention. I don’t want to be nice. I don’t want to
share. I screwed up a lot. And even now I am still too chicken to say directly
to you that I’m scared. I’m afraid of them taking my place. I’m afraid that you
don’t need me the way that I need you. I cringe that strangers know more about
your everyday than I do. I’m heartbroken that we only speak every fourth month.
I’m sorry. I tried to change and when I
realized I couldn't ever change enough I was resentful. I didn't want to
change. I didn't want things to need to be different.
But I miss
you. I miss us.
In my
heart I know its OK. And someday it wont sting as much, but a few hours ago…was
probably the happiest I've been in years. To chat with you via im’s and just be
us. Reminded me so much of why I was drawn in to begin with.
And now
that I've said all that I feel… better.
I feel like I’m me…un-encumbered by hurts and perceived slights and mis(ssed) communications. Not
the same, but not so very different either. A part of me will always long for Yesterday,
but I’m ready for today… and for all my tomorrows.
