Monday, May 18, 2015

feeling a bit guilty

Most of you know by now that when I do remember to blog its pretty free form. I've never been that blogger than had a daily schedule or word count. Yeah, there is a bit of advertising on the page but honestly its never made me a dime and I am not (as of yet) trying to make a living blogging.  I know some professional bloggers. Keeping up with content and et al is hard work. I never really saw that in my plans and even know its probably not something I'm going to commit to.

Having said that, I also read all my responses and emails so I do know I have a bit of a following.  I want to thank y'all for checking even when you know darn good and well there probably isn't anything new here.

As this pregnancy moves into its final leg I'm hoping to be here (in front of my lap top) more.    I know if you follow me on fb and twitter you know I'm the world's biggest pregnant cry baby.  I feel all kinds of guilt about that.

So while I'm here lets talk about it.
Why do I feel guilty about complaining about being pregnant.

I guess to begin with we better start with the begining.  I've talked in some places loosely about our struggle to become parents. This isn't our first pregnancy. Its just our first sucessful one. Each day I praise the Almighty for however many weeks plus days we progress.  We've never made it past 12 weeks before. To be 24 weeks and 1 day...well hallelujah!!! HOLD OUR MULE!

That in and of it self is enough to make a chic fill guilty.  I honestly wish I could eat every complaint I've made.  Really, I do. Even when I'm sitting here mentally bitching about the ache in my back, the numbness in my limbs, the fact that at 24 weeks I'm still puking( and by proxy peeing) on myself.  I hate those complaints. Because somewhere in my heart I know this is what I signed up for. This is the long haul and I'm definitely in it. I wouldn't take the alternative if you handed me a billion bucks tax free.  Every day I tell myself to suck it up butter cup.
and then I complain about whatever else.

At 34 and after 8 active years of trying, well I honestly wasn't prepared. Everything I ever read, researched, heard an ancedote about...none of it means a darn thing. Everything is new and scary and strange to me.  THERE IS A PERSON IN MY ABDOMAN.  Ok, that was a mild freak out, but you know he has hiccups right now and he is moving and it feels so gross. No on every once said "it feels really gross when they move around."

Everyone is always like its so cool and you can feel and hear and yeah...... no.  Nope.  I mean yes it is but on the same, no its not. Its gross and its uncomfortable and frankly, its really nasty feeling. like someone is know what lets not go there.

I know some of  y'all are like " drea, suck it up."  but let me tell you as much as i bitch...I'm still having a hard time with the decision that cwb and i decided to share this pregnancy publically. We've never ever done that before. There has only been one other time that we told anyone.   So even though I'm complaining I'm not putting it all out there like i said I would.  I'm kinda after the fact about most of it.  I've been IN the hospital more than i've admitted. But i didn't want to alarm anyone so I kinda just went stayed came home and gripped about being sick.
 Being in the homestretch I feel like I have a little room to breath (and I mean very little, dude this kid takes up space) so I'm slowly admitting to being sicker than just a whiney baby.

I miss writing, but I promise I am not just being a spoiled (we all know i am) incubator. There are days that I literally slept all day and I couldn't tell you when where what how or with whom anything got done.
In fact, i'm slowly peicing together parts of each month with the hubs and the roomie, because honestly I was just so sick i lost a week or so here an there.

And being stubborn and being a "worker" has been hard for me.  I don't like laying around...ok wait let me correct that. I don't like laying around when it wasn't my idea to just lay around.  I don't like being forced to rest. Even though i know i need to just cruise through this.  I'd just started an amazing work out routine and I can't do it. ITS KILLING ME to see this treadmill standing steadfast next to my desk in my bedroom and I am resticted from it.
In the long run I know its for lil CWB to be the best lil ninja sithe punisher he can be, but I'm still pouty.

I've got several friends who are ftm and btdm ( first time moms and been there done thats moms) who are having babies around the same time as me who are doing things like hiking in the rockies, crossfit,   a stage production of the wiz with three daily shows.  I hate them.
I can't drive to the gorcery store with out puking.

I'm just saying that even though its almsot done and I know the "worst"  and "best" parts are coming...well, yeah... i'm not always a complainer but i've been the worlds worst pregnant chic.

And even though I'm mostly smiling...its because I really can't stop the natural instinct to smile for the camera.  Those smiles are hiding some fierce determination to adopt all of Cannon's Siblings.

And I feel so bad y'all. Because I asked for this glorious mess. I prayed for every bit of this with just as much passion and furvor as I'm sure Hannah Prayed.  If anyone had seen me on my knees the would have thought not only was i drunk but higher than snoop dog eating brownies at willie nelson's house.

I realize that guilty mom syndrome has already set in.  And Even though I'm not the first or the last and or even unique in my situation...i still can't help but be Drea about it. I'm sorry if you've been annoyed with my bitching.... actually i'm not. I worked hard to get here. To this place were I can cry randomly cuz I peed on my self five seconds after leaving the bathroom. I'm not sorry if I've acted like the only woman to ever puke standing in the shower so she can rinse of the inevitable urine.

The only people I think I  am really sorry to is those who haven't or still can not realize the dream of a gift i've been given. I wish I could say with certainty "your turn is coming"  I wish i could promise that it will be just like this for them someday.  For those people. I am sorry if this has been too in your face.  Thank you for being on this train with me regardless.

I love you

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Thinking without my glasses on aka i should be sleeping but i'm staring at the ceiling fan.

Today I had a long conversation with an old friend and its been on my mind every since.
He was telling me how he'd broken up with his wife... again...wait let me clarify : his third wife in fifteen years... third seperation from said wife in two years.
While he was talking I was thinking "dude, you sure can pick 'em"   but tonight, laying here trying to decide if i want pickles and pop corn or pickles and ice cream ( hey hey i'm pregnant i get to want wierd shit) I was thinking... "meh, what if its not the women...what if its really just him?"

I mean honestly, you're having nearly identical problems in three different marriages to three very distinctive women. It can't all be them right?

I'm mean granted he tends to go for a certain type of "golddigger" but HEY he has a type.

So it made me think of all the times I broke my own heart.   And by that I mean it really wasn't a situation of me changing or that person changing  or growing but of me faking like something was ok when it wasn't.  We get so excited about the instant attraction and lust. We get wrapped up in the archetype of forever monogamy and love.  We forget the possibility of fleeting joy and momentary happiness and try to make a fling last forever.  Some times things just aren't meant to last.  They are one or maybe a few time uses and then you're supposed to trade 'em in for the next model. Its like trying to use an analog phone on a digital network... yeah the call might go through, but can you hear me now?

Honest to goodness, sometimes in life we break our own hearts.

Its easy to say that someone did or didn't' do, but at the end of the day if you can look back with a hundred percent open hearted honesty, its really not so much about the other person, but about you.

we have these expectations and we forget that expectations are just about as useful as  opinions. Everyone has them...expectations and opinions, its just rare that they are the same..and even if they do match up there ar those tricky lil grey areas where one might vary just slightly from the other.

Most times those slight variances are bigger than we want to believe. they are huge like..grand canyon wide chasms.  For one person  its a shruggin matter  "meh, ok" bur for another person its a hard line. no crossing no "meh" about it.

Whats that got to do with breaking your own heart?  Well, that's the thing  some times in order to get a long we "meh" about things that aren't really "meh" able.   We want the end result, so we cave on things that actually we probably should have drawn a hard line on.   Its not that the other person didn't live up to our expectation..we negotiated our expectation or "hard line" with ourselves in order to "fit" with the other person. our hard line now has a splinter and the more we rub up against it the more that splinter irritates the shit out of us. It becomes infected and it festers. Forms a boil full of puss and when that sucker explodes-- KABOOOOM!  Mount Vesuvius is Jealous.  But is it the other persons fault that our hearts are broken?  Did they take a tiny chisel and start chipping away, fissure-ing little lines of demarcation on our spirit or did we, in our quest for the fantasy, do all of that?   Did we smile when and giggle, batting our eyes in a coquettish manner to cover the tears when we really wanted to let them fall and yell "mother fucker what the hell..."?

Yeah...we often break our own hearts by not at least acknowledging the little thing...we thing we've hammered out the big stuff so hey don't sweat the rest... and maybe the rest isn't sweat worthy. But what if it is... what if aaaallllll those little things add up and then become big things?  What if we didn't hammer out all the big things: " are we  exclusive, fuck buddies, getting married, playing house, having kids" and so worrying about the little things is just a distraction from the fact that the elephant is not only pink...NOT ONLY in the room, but is getting its dick sucked by two politicians and a flamingo in leather?

There is a whole circus of shit going on but WE keep sweeping it under the rug and when shit goes to hell in a hand basket we start tossing the blame:  "he she they did said didn't"

But do we look  back and say...i should have spoken?  I should have said or done?  I should have drawn a hard line and accepted that what i expected verses what was happening wasn't matching up.  I sacrificed. I gave up on or overlooked.   Some times we are so focused on the BIG PICTURE, the END GAME... that we aren't even aware how horrible the battles really are.   We often hear "can't see the Forrest for the trees", but sometimes you gotta take a look at all those trees. Are they really trees or are they weeds that have gotten out of hand?  Is the garden really thriving or is it overgrown?  Is that pimple really going to heal on its own or do we just need to pop that sucker and flush it with some peroxide?   Did so and so really break our hearts or did we just fail to meet our own expectations.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Confessions of a future former fat .... MOMMY

Confessions of a future former fat chic MOMMY

Well, the last time I was here was my birthday. Whoda thunk it? THIRTY FOUR!  And boy was I doing it up big, lol. I partied all week and ate too much and gave zero fucks…man, I gave so much less than zero fucks there isn't a negative number to equate with it.  So many fucks…so much fucking *clears throats*… Ummm ah hem… yeah, so ummm.

Anyway, basically if you know me (and you do) you know I had a great holiday season. SO GREAT in fact that I ended up getting the gift of a life time.  God works in mysterious ways. LOL He waits until your giving less than a damn then whamo you’re knocked up. LOL,  You guys already know this, but just to clarify…Alpha/Prime and I are expecting our first child this summer.

Ok ok stop laughing!  Most of you who've been along for this ride with me know that the one thing I really was focused on in all our “efforts” was to NOT be pregnant during the summer. At least not big fat can’t wait to pop pregnant.  We should have all known that I’d mess it up.  Sometime back in 2013 I watched  “what to expect when you’re expecting” and over a bucket of margaritas and a several rolls of paper towels ( I was hormonal and had just had an mc) I said to my Godbrother “you know that’s gonna be me: if and when it finally happens, I’m gonna have one of those horrid pregnancies. Puke Pee and sleep.”

BOY WAS I EVER RIGHT.  I’m not going to regale any one with all of that right now but suffice it to say, if ever there was a self fulfilling prophecy I spoke it that day.  Not only that but we are firmly in winter's grip here in North East Texas, and I've been regularly wearing flip flops, shorts and tank tops.  Yeah, you read that right...and the temp isn't supposed to get much lower except and odd day here or there.  Its gonna be a hot effin summer.   

 We made a very conscious choice to actually announce this pregnancy (something we've never done before) and share the entire journey…knowing that there could be a chance for  …well we’ll just leave that unspoken. Its still fairly early in the game and we are still waiting cautiously. Every breath is a prayer. Every check up sends our nerves through the rough. But we are hopeful and prayerful and gratefulSo far we are delighted.  I mean lets be real. I’m tired of the severe nausea (I'm seriously one step from being admitted and attached to iv's but i'm doing my best to avoid it) and the puking and the not eating and the sleeping, BUT I wouldn't trade it for the alternative! Each day that we progress is a blessing and I’m thankful. Even when I’m face down in the toilet, my heart sings.

And I’m thankful for all the support.  Yes, I sometimes roll my eyes at the advice. And some days, I kinda just want to vent and not get any advice, but I knew I couldn't do this journey without you all. Everything reminds me of how blessed I really am.
So when I’m here, most of what you’ll be hearing is my take on pregnancy and all its joys.  Some of it you may have already heard if you follow me on the book of faces. *shrugs* it is what it is.
I started this post three full hours ago, I’ve stopped to pee every ten minutes and I’ve managed to forget where I was going with this when I sat down so I guess I’m done.  Time to take the meds and wait for sleep to claim me. (scary right, the insomniac sleeping!  DUDE AND I MEAN SLEEEEEEEEPPPPPINNNNG, like i'll see you guys in 14 hours or so type of sleeping.)

Blessings and Shenanigans!