He was telling me how he'd broken up with his wife... again...wait let me clarify : his third wife in fifteen years... third seperation from said wife in two years.
While he was talking I was thinking "dude, you sure can pick 'em" but tonight, laying here trying to decide if i want pickles and pop corn or pickles and ice cream ( hey hey i'm pregnant i get to want wierd shit) I was thinking... "meh, what if its not the women...what if its really just him?"
I mean honestly, you're having nearly identical problems in three different marriages to three very distinctive women. It can't all be them right?
I'm mean granted he tends to go for a certain type of "golddigger" but HEY he has a type.
So it made me think of all the times I broke my own heart. And by that I mean it really wasn't a situation of me changing or that person changing or growing but of me faking like something was ok when it wasn't. We get so excited about the instant attraction and lust. We get wrapped up in the archetype of forever monogamy and love. We forget the possibility of fleeting joy and momentary happiness and try to make a fling last forever. Some times things just aren't meant to last. They are one or maybe a few time uses and then you're supposed to trade 'em in for the next model. Its like trying to use an analog phone on a digital network... yeah the call might go through, but can you hear me now?
Honest to goodness, sometimes in life we break our own hearts.
Its easy to say that someone did or didn't' do, but at the end of the day if you can look back with a hundred percent open hearted honesty, its really not so much about the other person, but about you.
we have these expectations and we forget that expectations are just about as useful as opinions. Everyone has them...expectations and opinions, its just rare that they are the same..and even if they do match up there ar those tricky lil grey areas where one might vary just slightly from the other.
Most times those slight variances are bigger than we want to believe. they are huge like..grand canyon wide chasms. For one person its a shruggin matter "meh, ok" bur for another person its a hard line. no crossing no "meh" about it.
Whats that got to do with breaking your own heart? Well, that's the thing some times in order to get a long we "meh" about things that aren't really "meh" able. We want the end result, so we cave on things that actually we probably should have drawn a hard line on. Its not that the other person didn't live up to our expectation..we negotiated our expectation or "hard line" with ourselves in order to "fit" with the other person. our hard line now has a splinter and the more we rub up against it the more that splinter irritates the shit out of us. It becomes infected and it festers. Forms a boil full of puss and when that sucker explodes-- KABOOOOM! Mount Vesuvius is Jealous. But is it the other persons fault that our hearts are broken? Did they take a tiny chisel and start chipping away, fissure-ing little lines of demarcation on our spirit or did we, in our quest for the fantasy, do all of that? Did we smile when and giggle, batting our eyes in a coquettish manner to cover the tears when we really wanted to let them fall and yell "mother fucker what the hell..."?
Yeah...we often break our own hearts by not at least acknowledging the little thing...we thing we've hammered out the big stuff so hey don't sweat the rest... and maybe the rest isn't sweat worthy. But what if it is... what if aaaallllll those little things add up and then become big things? What if we didn't hammer out all the big things: " are we exclusive, fuck buddies, getting married, playing house, having kids" and so worrying about the little things is just a distraction from the fact that the elephant is not only pink...NOT ONLY in the room, but is getting its dick sucked by two politicians and a flamingo in leather?
There is a whole circus of shit going on but WE keep sweeping it under the rug and when shit goes to hell in a hand basket we start tossing the blame: "he she they did said didn't"
But do we look back and say...i should have spoken? I should have said or done? I should have drawn a hard line and accepted that what i expected verses what was happening wasn't matching up. I sacrificed. I gave up on or overlooked. Some times we are so focused on the BIG PICTURE, the END GAME... that we aren't even aware how horrible the battles really are. We often hear "can't see the Forrest for the trees", but sometimes you gotta take a look at all those trees. Are they really trees or are they weeds that have gotten out of hand? Is the garden really thriving or is it overgrown? Is that pimple really going to heal on its own or do we just need to pop that sucker and flush it with some peroxide? Did so and so really break our hearts or did we just fail to meet our own expectations.