Sunday, March 16, 2014

Holding back the years or the comfort of letting go and moving on

Mood Music.  Simply red…I think my love of all things ginger started with him( yes, I know S.R. is the whole band but HE is who I’m talking about, stop acting new)

So, I've been feeling really whimsical lately.  Stuck in the past in a good way.   Learning to let go of all the things that have hurt over the last few years has been a difficult thing, but as I get better at it, I get to reflect on some of the simple things that made me happy.

I have actually been really happy with some memories.  Content to just look back and be glad of the way things were.  I am able to look back on them without the yearning for them being so strong that it prohibits me from recognizing the whole truth ( I have to make myself take off the rose colored glasses) and living my today.
I miss those times.  As a thirty three year old me I can say that my actions contributed greatly to the demise of those times.  I fully own that I had a role in the way life played out.
I can’t tell the whole story because, again, sometimes when we talk about our lives we inadvertently reveal other’s lives as well.
Life was simpler a decade ago. I was newly engaged and fresh out of a lot of shenanigans.  Really, still a babe in the woods. Everything was fresh and new and exciting. And I met some of the most fantastic people.  People who somehow came to mean so much to me so quickly that when I think of when the last time we spoke my heart breaks and my breath catches.

As with all things life moves on though…some relationships have faded away completely..not for lack of attention but just because that’s the way life is.  Some have stumbled, tripped stuttered, faltered, blown up, crumbled and blown away with the wind.  Some have been mended with the duct tape, super glue and baling wire of time.  Held together by tears and laughter, they have evolved and changed in testament to the people we have become.  The courage and compassion in our hearts. The indomitable spirit that drove us together.
Tonight I got to spend a couple of hours with two of the most important women in my life.  The recent years, life and everything that goes with it had split us.  I have to admit that even though I clung to them as if my very survival depend on it, I didn't honor them or our bond.
didn't respect them enough to say the words that even now are trembling on my finger tips. I feel like a child whose parents are divorcing. How do I fix it, how do it put it back together? Only unlike that child, I know that I have a culpability to answer for. I know that I played a role in the break down. And I know that it can never go back, never be the same and I wouldn't want it to.   Who we are now matters too much to erase it.

Deep breath.

I miss you.  I don’t like that our lives have changed so much. I don’t want all the new people who are there/ here between us, taking up your time and attention. I don’t want to be nice. I don’t want to share. I screwed up a lot. And even now I am still too chicken to say directly to you that I’m scared. I’m afraid of them taking my place. I’m afraid that you don’t need me the way that I need you. I cringe that strangers know more about your everyday than I do. I’m heartbroken that we only speak every fourth month. I’m sorry.  I tried to change and when I realized I couldn't ever change enough I was resentful. I didn't want to change. I didn't want things to need to be different.
But I miss you. I miss us.

In my heart I know its OK. And someday it wont sting as much, but a few hours ago…was probably the happiest I've been in years. To chat with you via im’s and just be us. Reminded me so much of why I was drawn in to begin with.

And now that I've said all that I feel… better.  I feel like I’m me…un-encumbered by hurts and perceived slights and mis(ssed) communications. Not  the same, but not so very different either.  A part of me will always long for Yesterday, but I’m ready for today… and for all my tomorrows.