I am not. Like most times when I come here, I am disturbed, and I need some place to purge/vent. At the moment, I am an emotional ticking time bomb. I keep swinging back and forth from excitement and hopefulness, to disappointment, disillusionment, sadness and despair.
I don't even know if this is still a safe space for me to vent anymore. I feel as if I must swallow my words. But the more I eat the more I feel my body going septic. Poisoning myself from the inside out.
Tired of throwing myself down on the altar and forever being judged for it. Accused of trespasses and ill intentions.
I can't breathe. I don't want to breathe. I just want to be done. I don't even want my ball. I don't want to go home. I just want to go. To be alone and left alone.
If I am alone, there is no one to be offended or responsible for. There is no not doing enough. There is no constant pressure to keep it all together.
There is no being accused of being a sham or a grifter. Well, at least no longer to my face and behind my back. I just won't have to be made aware of these daggers.
I want to win the lottery, pay my debts and melt into the ether.
Maybe someone will think about me every now and then and a smile might come to their face. But I don't care if anyone does. Well maybe just the mini. I want him to always know I am there/here. But otherwise if no one remembers me no one can hurt me.
and wouldn't that be nice to be pain free?
