Friday, April 20, 2012


If there is one thing in this life that I regret, besides having something in life to regret, is that I know i've hurt people.
And while I understand that sometimes hurting someone is inevitable, it is also something in my pysche that I don't let go of easily.

Now don't get me wrong I don't regret hurting ALL of the people that I know I've hurt.  I think I may regret that I was in a situation to need to hurt someone, but I don't regret the hurt.

There are some hurts that were calculated, I took pleasure in them. I knew it was going to hurt, I intended for it to hurt and in some cases I stood over the person after warning them repetitively that I was going to hurt them and asked them to explain to me in detail just how BAD it hurt, so that I could relish in it.
In my mind those hurts were warranted, many of the were in retaliation and defense.

I kinda take pride and the fact that I've never purposefully hurt "an innocent bystander". Oh I am fully aware, that I have hurt people unintentionally, and those are the some of the ones I regret.
The ones where you're having a bad day and you forget to smile at the lil' kid running wildly through the store.  I remember being that kid and I remember the way the person I ran up to cut me to the bone. I was trying so hard to impress her, I wanted her to know how pretty I thought she was with her vibrant red hair... and I remember how I bungled the words.  I'm pretty sure I said something like "you look so beautiful for your age" ...and I remember the way this grown woman stood above me in our small town grocery store and tore chunks of my soul from me.  I remember the way she turned form one of the prettiest women I'd thought I'd every known, to one of the evilest.  I know think of her flashing green eyes and crows feet, deep trenches between her brow and around her mouth each time I am in the company of someone who is physically better looking than me and no matter what they are saying, I hear this woman telling me how my hair was oily, my skin too dark, i was stupid and rude and friendless.  I hear her voice each time I add or subtract. Multiply or divide and I am transported back to middle school and my pulse quickens. And I marvel at how, 31 years old, I can still feel like a lost little girl in the 5th grade.
And I regret that. I regret that someone hurt me. So I smile more at little kids and preteens and teenagers and older people--because I don't want to be the one to cause them any more hurt than they already know.
Even when I am casually running my mouth, I wonder "damn I hope so and so doesn't take that wrong," or "i know i shouldn't have laughed about xyz cuz they might see it some day and get hurt"....its the plague of being and em-path.

 Life is about hurt-- thats what I think, so I try my best to minimize the hurt that I cause. I know I am gonna have to hurt people so I internalize it until I find the best way to limit the impact.

But the hurts I regret are the ones that I've caused to people who only wanted to see me happy. They weren't out to hurt me... they just...were there... caught in the cross fire.
Those are the ones I regret.
The curly headed little blonde who could have been me...Britney, Poodle...I regret letting her out of my life and I pray daily that I find her again and tell her that SHE was the BRAVE ONE.

The short pixi...Nicole... PeeWee, Aniece, Tawania, Jacob, Jiame, Julio, Justin, Amy, Concetta, Q, Torrence, Martha.... I can never take back the way I hurt them. And some of them understand that its just me...they live with it...and i live with the way they've hurt me. But I wish it wasn't like that. I wish I never had to hurt them.
Some of them are gone from this world and I hope that were every they are, they know I am sorry and that I love them.

Nope, there isn't a lot that I regret in this world...but somethings...
yeah, there are somethings

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