Got some kinda birthday blues going on.
Don't know if that's a good title for this, officially speaking my birthday is still days away and truth be told, it has very little to do with why I am blogging.
Oh, make no mistake it plays a part, a significant part even, but its not the entirety of the issue.
Like most times when I find myself at the keyboard, staring as the words fly from my finger tips into this blog that will float seemingly with out aim through cyberspace and thus the universe, I can't sleep. And like most times when I can't sleep, its because my mind, heart and spirit are heavy with thoughts and longings and yes, even the ever so cliche-desperation. And I wonder, if you're reading this thinking " this child ain't every truly happy, she ain't never talking about nothing but woe is Drea." And I realize too that, like most people I forget to stop here when I am happy. You'll find a few post that are nothing but "glad tidings", but not a lot. I suppose in every post like this I do acknowledge that I stand in a firm realization that I am blessed, favored, lucky--whatever adjective you want to tag onto it. Even if I admit it grudgingly.
And now that I've talked in riddles, I suppose its just time to get it out. Here in my comfort zone. My little bubble of semi anonymity. My not so secret prayer closet. Because lets me honest, that's what I came her for. To spill my anxieties on to the page, and there by purge them from in a hopes that by turning them loose on the universe, they will be removed from me and in so grant me some moments of peace where i can some what LESS grudgingly admit to my blessings and in doing so find happiness.
Tonight I'm feeling very much like Hannah. I know I am not crazy, I know someone is watching and wondering at my seemingly drunken ramblings and wondering " what the deuce is wrong with her".
But I promise you, I've had no wine, nor strong drink. Though I don't have the ill fortune of Hannah of having a sister wife that torments me relentlessly, I have A MULTITUDE OF of un-knowing tormentors.
If I had one wish for my birthday, it was to... *scrunches mouth to the side...yeah nope can't even bring myself to say it here either.*
What is the difference between asking and commanding?
Why does acceptance feel like faithlessness?
Lets just say things that I've wished and longed for aren't going to happen. And as a very self aware and spiritual person I am forced to come to terms with the possibility that it may never happen. And I am forced to deal with how that effects my spirituality. We are told to ask it so that we might receive it. To claim it that it maybe ours. And not just to do those things but to command it of the Lord by adding IN THE NAME OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST.
I'm having some kinda issue with that. Whom am I to command such a thing of the Lord. Shouldn't I be better served by understanding that my desires are not the priority of The Lord. I read a quote once where someone said something along the lines of "I'm always wary of those who know so well the path The Lord as designed for them because it always seems that the path is perfectly aligned with their longings and desires." This resonated with in me. And more and more its bounced around in my head. Really, What if the things I am desiring are not in The Lord's Plan for me?
What if this, unfulfilled desire is exactly what I am supposed to be doing in this life. I want something , but The Lord has decided that that something is not for me. And I should come to terms with that so that I can receive whatever it is that HE has deemed is my legacy. How do I reconcile myself to this notion? Doesn't it show some time of faithlessness in me that I would go so long "claiming" something in His name and telling other people to do the same and now I'm like "welp, He had other plans."
That's not saying I think its impossible. But maybe its just not for me.
Don't get me wrong, If I send these words out unto the universe and then my prayer is suddenly answered to the degree that I asked. I'll dance a thousand steps. I don't doubt that God moves in mysterious ways, but what if I am just misreading the cues. What if the end game isn't about me getting what I've longed for. What does that ...I wont say blind, but almost selfish sort of faith say of me.
I feel...some kinda way. Like maybe is should stop walking around laying my hands on things and sayin " in the name of Jesus, Its already done." I don't know that. That my command is all powerful, because I said "In the name of THE Father."
But what I DO know is that The Father has blessed me. Many Many times over. And I am thankful for those blessings. I never want Him to look down and find me ungrateful. My mouth not set to praise Him. I guess I just want to come to that place where I can truly say "I accept all things as they are, for The Father has deemed it so. It is not the path of my desire but the path of my destiny. And if I come to it, It is because The Father brought me there."
I guess I am trying to learn to be thankful even when my desires aren't met. Not just ... I sorta feel like I've been conditioned to be humble so I'll get something. OK, Life isn't going the way I want it, let me show The Lord how patient I am and how humble and thankful I am and then He'll go 'head and give me what I want." And I wonder if I am the only person who has caught themselves living this way. I don't think I am, I am just probably the only ding dong silly enough to admit it to the world.
I've been selfish in my selflessness. Whether I was aware of it or not. I honestly have been.
And I don't know, that as a person.. as Christian we all aren't that way. Not just because we want to get into heaven. I mean really, who wants to sit in purgatory and then roast in hell? I promise you none of my imaginary audience raised there hands. In fact my minds image of me just sat on her hands after crossing herself and falling on an altar. No one, at least no one I KNOW wants to end up chillin' with The Old Son for eternity. No matter how sexy fine he might appear. I am not trying to trip the light fantastic with the ding dong that KNOWINGLY looked on God's face and said " who gone check me, boo".
So I try to live right-ish. I'm a little cocky with it too. "I've been saved, my parents sowed that seed a long time ago. I just gotta stay mostly right. And claim what I want In The Name".
Now, I don't have issues with most of that-- we are sinners. Its what we do. God knew/knows that. He told us so. Its that claiming stuff, that I am finding myself having issue with. Shouldn't I just accept that what is for me God will provide. And what is not He will remove?
Does that make me unfaithful? Does that mean I've lost my mustard seed?
I don't know , Dear Reader.
But I do know this--I truly desire certain things in my life. I've often claimed them In the name of Jesus. My new lesson, the thing I am working on ...is to wait on The Lord. To understand that things don't happen just because I snapped my finger and said "open sesame". Things don't move on Drea Time. The move on the Lord's Time ... and I am learning to Claim things thusly-- "if it be THY WILL, LORD, Please grant me favor." Because truly, demanding/commanding The Lord and expecting a response hasn't been settling right with my spirit. I'm learning to understand the difference IN ASKING for something ( with the expectation that the answer can either be yes or no) and claiming/demanding something (with out having the understanding that I am not in control.)
But this leads me back to my original problem. I want, with a desperation I almost can't explain. I long for something almost as much as I long to be close to My GOD. And sometimes that wanting, that longing has been stronger than my understanding. Stronger than...than I can even explain. And I don't just want, I want with conditions. I wanted like this, and it has to be this shape and size and before this time ... I WANT. Dare I say I COVET. I feel sorrow when I see others with it, I feel jealousy and self pity.. and then I beat myself up for having those feelings.
Its a constant battle. Its turmoil. As sure as I am sitting here right now telling myself , "Drea, you can accept what ever The Lord gives you.", I promise, before this post is circulating around the web I'll also be thinking about how nice it would be to have it. How I've always wanted it. And why every body around me is getting it but I'm not.
So there it is.. the trouble that has me up late. My heart is torn. My mind not at peace. Because I know I might never come to the moment of completely being OKAY with not getting what I want.
