Sunday, December 2, 2012

what is the difference between humble askance and arrogant commands

Got some kinda birthday blues going on.

Don't know if that's a good title for this, officially speaking my birthday is still days away and truth be told, it has very little to do with why I am blogging.

Oh, make no mistake it plays a part, a significant part even, but its not the entirety of the issue.

Like most times when I find myself at the keyboard, staring as the words fly from my finger tips into this blog that will float seemingly with out aim through cyberspace and thus the universe, I can't sleep. And like most times when I can't sleep, its because my mind, heart and spirit are heavy with thoughts and longings and yes, even the ever so cliche-desperation.  And I wonder, if you're reading this thinking " this child ain't every truly happy, she ain't never talking about nothing but woe is Drea." And I realize too that, like most people I forget to stop here when I am happy. You'll find a few post that are nothing but "glad tidings", but not a lot.  I suppose in every post like this I do acknowledge that I stand in a firm realization that I am blessed,  favored, lucky--whatever adjective you want to tag onto it.  Even if I admit it grudgingly.

And now that I've talked in riddles, I suppose its just time to get it out. Here in my comfort zone. My little bubble of semi anonymity. My  not so secret prayer closet.  Because lets me honest, that's what I came her for. To spill my anxieties on to the page, and there by purge them from in a hopes that by turning them loose on the universe, they will be removed from me and in so grant me some moments of peace where i can some what LESS grudgingly admit to my blessings and in doing so find happiness.

Tonight I'm feeling very much like Hannah.  I know I am not crazy, I know someone is watching and wondering at my seemingly drunken ramblings and wondering " what the deuce is wrong with her".
But I promise you, I've had no wine, nor strong drink. Though I don't have the ill fortune of Hannah of having a sister wife that torments me relentlessly, I have A MULTITUDE OF of un-knowing tormentors.

If I had one wish for my birthday, it was to... *scrunches mouth to the side...yeah nope can't even bring myself to say it here either.*

What is the difference between asking and commanding?
Why does acceptance feel  like faithlessness?

Lets just say things that I've wished and longed for aren't going to happen. And as a very self aware and spiritual person I am forced to come to terms with the possibility that it may never happen. And I am forced to deal with how that effects my spirituality.  We are told to ask it so that we might receive it. To claim it that it maybe ours.  And not just to do those things but to command it of the Lord by adding IN THE NAME OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST.

I'm having some kinda issue with that. Whom am I to command such a thing of the Lord. Shouldn't I be better served by understanding that my desires are not the priority of The Lord.  I read a quote once where someone said something along the lines of "I'm always wary of those who know so well the path The Lord as designed for them because it always seems that the path is perfectly aligned with their longings and desires."  This resonated with in me.  And more and more its bounced around in my head. Really,  What if the things I am desiring are not in The Lord's Plan for me?

What if this, unfulfilled desire is exactly what I am supposed to be doing in this life. I want something , but The Lord has decided that that something is not for me. And I should come to terms with that so that I can receive whatever it is that HE has deemed is my legacy.  How do I reconcile myself to this notion? Doesn't it show some time of faithlessness in me that I would go so long "claiming" something in His name and telling other people to do the same and now I'm like "welp, He had other plans."

That's not saying I think its impossible. But maybe its just not for me.

Don't get me wrong, If I send these words out unto the universe and then my prayer is suddenly answered to the degree that I asked. I'll dance a thousand steps. I don't doubt that God moves in mysterious ways, but what if I am just misreading the cues. What if the end game isn't about me getting what I've longed for. What does that ...I wont say blind, but  almost selfish sort of faith say of me.

I feel...some kinda way.  Like maybe is should stop walking around laying my hands on things and sayin " in the name of Jesus, Its already done."  I don't know that. That my command is all powerful, because I said "In the name of THE Father."

But what I DO know is that The Father has blessed me. Many Many times over. And I am thankful for those blessings. I never want Him to look down and find me ungrateful. My mouth not set to praise Him. I guess I just want to come to that place where I can truly say "I accept all things as they are, for The Father has deemed it so. It is not the path of my desire but the path of my destiny. And if I come to it, It is because The Father brought me there."

I guess I am trying to learn to be thankful even when my desires aren't met. Not just ... I sorta feel like I've been conditioned to be humble so I'll get something.  OK, Life isn't going the way I want it, let me show The Lord how patient I am and how humble and thankful I am and then He'll go 'head and give me what I want."  And I wonder if I am the only person who has caught themselves living this way.  I don't think I am, I am just probably the only ding dong silly enough to admit it to the world.

 I've been selfish in my selflessness. Whether I was aware of it or not. I honestly have been.
And I don't know, that as a person.. as Christian we all aren't that way. Not just because we want to get into heaven. I mean really, who wants to sit in purgatory and then roast in hell?  I promise you none of my imaginary audience raised there hands. In fact my minds image of me just sat on her hands after crossing herself and falling on an altar.  No one, at least no one I KNOW wants to end up chillin' with The Old Son for eternity.  No matter how sexy fine he might appear. I am not trying to trip the light fantastic with the ding dong that KNOWINGLY looked on God's face and said " who gone check me, boo".
So I try to live right-ish.  I'm a little cocky with it too. "I've been saved, my parents sowed that seed a long time ago. I just gotta stay mostly right. And claim what I want In The Name".

Now, I don't have issues with most of that-- we are sinners. Its what we do. God knew/knows that.  He told us so.  Its that claiming stuff,  that I am finding myself having issue with.  Shouldn't I just accept that what is for me God will provide. And what is not He will remove?
 Does that make me unfaithful? Does that mean I've lost my mustard seed?

I don't know , Dear Reader.

But I do know this--I truly desire certain things in my life. I've often claimed them In the name of Jesus. My new lesson, the thing I am working on to wait on The Lord.  To understand that things don't happen just because I snapped my finger and said "open sesame".  Things don't move on Drea Time. The move on the Lord's Time ... and I am learning to Claim things thusly--  "if it be THY WILL, LORD, Please grant me favor." Because truly, demanding/commanding The Lord and expecting a response hasn't been settling right with my spirit.  I'm learning to understand the difference IN ASKING for something ( with the expectation that the answer can either be yes or no) and claiming/demanding something (with out having the understanding that I am not in control.)

But this leads me back to my original problem.  I want, with a desperation I almost can't explain.  I long for something almost as much as I long to be close to My GOD. And sometimes that wanting, that longing has been stronger than my understanding. Stronger than...than I can even explain. And I don't just want, I want with conditions. I wanted like this, and it has to be this shape and size and before this time ... I WANT.  Dare I say I COVET. I feel sorrow when I see others with it, I feel jealousy and self pity.. and then I beat myself up for having those feelings.

Its a constant battle. Its turmoil. As sure as I am sitting here right now telling myself , "Drea, you can accept what ever The Lord gives you.", I promise, before this post is circulating around the web I'll also be thinking about how nice it would be to have it. How I've always wanted it. And why every body around me is getting it but I'm not.

So there it is.. the trouble that has me up late. My heart is torn. My mind not at peace. Because I know I might never come to the moment of completely being OKAY with not getting what I want.


  1. Maybe it's a matter of not getting it right now or even getting what you want in a different way. Prayer, I've learned, is an extremely powerful thing and this is the time when you need it most. There are so many people who will pray with you. ❤❤❤

  2. Co-signing on what Billy said. We may not get what we want the way we want it but that doesn't decrease the value of the blessing when we recieve it. Praying for the peace that surpasses all understanding to cover you.

  3. Sometimes what we want may not come the way we want but from a different way. What you are praying for may come when you least expect. Just keep having faith and we will stand with you in prayer.

  4. Drea, I am right there with you. I have been praying since I was very young to be married with children. Raised by my Grandparents, I was brought up in a "name it and claim it" environment. I believe God wants my happiness and this is a true Desire of my heart. Who gave us these desires? God of course! But as each year passes my faith gets weary. I am in my late aint happening! I question myself "am I selfish? Does God not love me? Am I doing this life thing wrong?" And I honestly don't have and answer! I do know that as our faith-walk grow "God's desires become our desires" be it equal or different from our selves. It is frustrating when I can pray for my friends about a baby or possible mate, and God blesses them but here I sit Very single and childless ...but I remain faithful... Hopeful. I finally had to surrender my "family desires" because it hurt too much. See I know that aching want well. It visits me often. If I can't meet them on this side of heaven, I guess I will wait.
    I pray you find some kind of REAL acceptance and peace. Don't count GOD out yet, Drea! He has wonderful things in store for you.

  5. Drea trust me when i say this, All believers have these same feelings when things don't happen when and how we want them to, yet they seem to be happening for others all around us. Sometimes we even feel as if we are more worthy than they are because of all the things we have been through on our journey in life. And any Christian who says they don't have these feelings from time to time they aren't fooling anybody but themselves. God knows us He created us therefore He knows we are of the human flesh. You answered your own questions God makes things happen in His time and His time is not ours. His desires and wants for us are not ours but they are better for us. My grandmother use to say to us all the time."Stop focusing on the Plan and start focusing on the Planner because when you do an inner Peace sets up inside of you that allows you to see God at work in your life and you begin to accept the things freely as they come to pass." I never understood what she was saying until i became older and was faced with obstacles in my life that I know now that ONLY God could have brought me through them. Some of you know i am a military spouse and my husband has been on a very long deployment with only two very short leaves. At some points I had such a hard time with it that I couldn't stand to see a story on the news where a soldier was returning home and he's kissing and hugging his wife and children meanwhile mine husband was still away sometimes in places i did not know where because of security reasons and not knowing if he was dead or alive.I would just change the channel or turn off the television. Then afterwards I would feel so bad and guilty then i realized that no i am not perfect i am human. I love my husband and i need him and eventhough i am proud of what he does and i support him 100 percent in his efforts and love for his Service to our great nation it doesn't mean that i am pleased with him being gone so much. I would rather have him lying next to me in bed every night holding me in his strong embrace. I would rather have him here seeing how our son is growing up so fast and learning so many things. I would rather have him home to gas up my car when it gets low, to make sure the house is safe and secure at night. To light the fireplace when i want to sit infront of it to snuggle and sip on some wine or hot tea while listening to some jazz. All the simple things in life. It also doesn't mean that at times i don't get tired of sharing him with the entire world and wanting him all to myself. But in times like these I lean more on my Faith and i pray harder when it is most hardest to pray, and God ALWAYS sends me confirmation that what i am feeling in those moments is ok and natural. So Drea be ENCOURAGED swwetheart and keep the FAITH. When God allows things to come full circle in your life you are going to sit back and say to Him "Lord I know now why things had to happen the way You allowed them to happen." Much Love to you. God BLESS.