It is the mother and child of all these things together. It can be born from any one of those feelings and it can spur random tangents into those areas. It causes them to mix in our stomach and churn the acids there like a raging sea... a monster that claws its way from the bit of your stomach and shoots flames from your throat, breaths despair into every aspect of your life.
Some times the doubt is inherited. Its not a lack of belief in yourself, but a strange gift foisted onto your shoulders by others. Sometimes its their doubt in themselves but projected on to you. Not truly your cross to carry but you shoulder it unconsciously. Sometimes its a burden by proxy,no one really asked you to carry it, but your around it and its yours. You don't really want to hoist it up and drag it around, but you've picked up along the way and can't remember where you found it and because you've totted it all this way you feel obligated to keep giving it a ride until you find a way to prop it up in the middle of some lost and found closet. You don't really want to let the person who it belongs to struggle under the weight of it, and you surely don't want to dump it or shake it loose so that it lands in the middle of the highway like a piece of ill secured furniture on moving day. It will cause an emotional pile up for everyone else... so you drag it a lil' farther up the road looking for a safe place to pull on to the shoulder and dump it like an unwanted puppy after Christmas. Praying that maybe it finds a way to that farm house were those nice people will surely welcome it and help it work itself out, but if not prayeful it will survive on its own in the open fields of milo and hay and not run into the middle of the highway and get hit.
Thanks are just as sticky as doubts... sometimes thankful isn't really THANKFUL...its more like grudged acceptance. We all have those moment where we are forced to acknowledge that our lot in life isn't as bad as someone else's. But can we be honest... don't we all have those moments were frankly that's not our concern. OK, ok, sure we could be the one legged veteran who is on the street panhandling for crusts of bread. But be truthful...how often do we see those people and sneer, "freeloaders" " tax evaders" "if i just gave up and was like the I could probably make a mint." "I read an article about panhandlers that grossed 6 figures standing on corners looking like bums." and "damn good scam if you ask me".
I mean really WHEN are we TRULY thankful for all that we have... all that has been given to us in abundance. WHO among us is THANKFUL FOR THE STORM when its raining and not just when it has passed and the sun is shinning on us. THANKFUL isn't always THANKFUL... some times its a desperate plea for a reprieve "Please, SIR, may I have another."
Thankful, isn't always a joyous celebration, but a solemn acceptance. Its sportsmanship when you've come in second instead of first. You really want the blue ribbon, but you dutifully tip your chin after having ducked your head to steady your trembling lip and smile brightly at for the crowd when in side your heart is still racing and your soul quivers in uneasy defeat. You tell yourself it wasn't LAST place, but you hear the taunts resound , "yeah, but it ain't first either". Stuck in the middle. Thankfully ungratefully. Begrudgingly satisfied, unhappily content.
Faithful isn't always faithful. Some times faithful is just resigned.
Its not the stead fast HOPE in a better tomorrow. But the realization that the present goes on unerringly with out end. There isn't always that refreshing fortification in bright new days. Just the understanding that tomorrow is already today and today is already yesterday. It is now as it always was, as it always will be.
doubtful, thankful and faithful.