Thursday, September 13, 2012

Thoughts on A Grey Day

I'm settled on the couch with my laptop, both dogs, a 24oz coffee, a pillow and a blanket. I can hear the wind-chimes tinkling in the tree outside my front door. I've turned the window units off for the first time since we moved into this little house and its quiet. Country silence, no voices, no cars just the wind the electric hum of the ceiling fans and my fingers tapping against the keys.  The day is blustery, cold and grey. You wouldn't believe that only a couple of days ago the temperature was in the triple digits.  If I weren't sick I'd get up and dress for a tail gate.. A pair of well worn but fitted jeans and a t-shirt, the cable knit sweater from that guy I dated once and decided I like his sweater better than I actually liked him  and my favorite boots. Well, probably my favorite trainers because the boots I'd have pulled on were lost/stolen on a trip to San Antonio almost a decade ago.

I'm soaking in all the well wishes from friends and family. Their positive energy and cautious baby fever makes me smile. LOL I think a few people are actually ready to go "surprise adopt" a baby for me.  I love that they are invested in our happiness emotionally. A sense of community and well being spreads through me.   My mind tells me this is not yet our time, but I can't help but be swept up in their hope. Even CWB left a lingering hand on my tummy before he kissed my head on his way out the door to work. "Be nice to mommy today, she doesn't feel good." he spoke ostensibly to the dogs, but the warmth of his hand told me exactly where his true thoughts lie.

I've talked to my little sister, her antics make me smile even though she called in a moment that I was choking back tears. The way she hops around with so much energy both rejuvenates and drains me. I wonder if that's what my older sisters saw in me. Boundless energy, hope, possibilities, mischief, excitement, love. I wonder if I've lost that or if it just packed away on this rainy, grey day.

Don't get me wrong. I love rainy, grey days. I often think I should have been born in London rather than Lubbock. The cool misty wind suites me more than the blistering heat and dust. An Island in the sea rather than a desert or painted sand. Oh, I love Texas, but I can't wait to leave. Ready to test that theory about absence and fondness.  To see if I can hold all the beauty in my mind and relay it some stranger with enough conviction to make them wan to trek back the thousand miles to see for themselves.

I should be tweeting something.. but hey...I've done that all week when I only really need to do it three days. I can afford a day off.   I should be writing something, besides this blog.  And maybe I will later.  I should be trying to eat something other than Saltines or Ritz. Drink something other than flat sprite and coffee. Do something other than scroll through Netflix, Amazon and Facebook.

 I really should address the issue of a person who has infiltrated my sanctuary and harmed one of my precious minions  devotees followers worshipers friends.  Yeah, friends is the word I am looking for. I have been formulating in my mind the way to call this person on to the carpet.  Should I be all Goddess on high appearing to a trembling mortal, Executive power player calling an employee in for a quarterly NEGATIVE review, angry big sister protecting the shy bashful sweet heart-ed sibling.  Should I humiliate and shame her as I am want to do. No, I'll wait. The silence, in light of the egregiousness,  will take care of all that I wish for me. I don't want to appear weak. Any leader will tell you "the appearance of weakness is weakness itself".  But I am sending a total message that " Here in this realm, we are so strong, your pithy little antics, while they register in the field of our attention, mean naught but the mild sting of a mosquito on the skin of an elephant"  or as my grandmother would say "one monkey don't stop no show".

I wonder how many people are going to email me and ask me if that ^^^^^ is actually about them. There are a couple fringe floater that it could apply to lmao.

I should call someone, but the thought of a human voice actually grates on my nerves like a Styrofoam cooler against a tailgate. Not that I don't want to hear from folks-- I just don't want to "hear" from folks. And the act of speaking makes my throat prickle like fire.  I'm annoyed at the imagined conversations. The feigning of appreciative tact that I just don't have the energy to contrive. "Yes, actually, I am aware that I am sick more than any other person you know. Yes, I should have a doctor check me out, your absolutely correct. The team of personnel I've been seeing since birth is obviously incompetent and your laymen's diagnosis is absolutely exactly what I suffer from. No, I had no idea you'd had the exact same ailments but different and were cured with milk of magnesia and cow chip tea. Oh yes, I hear they are making a Drea sized bubble this year. I am on the waiting list for one for of those."   * I actually made myself smile with that, I'd laugh if it didn't hurt.  I should be and actually am really grateful for all those conversations. But really people, sometimes a chic is just sick. Say feel better and move on lol.*

No, no.. today I am gonna blog randomly.  Sleep and enjoy the sweet earth scented air. Today I am going to be sick, play hooky ( sorta)  and not worry about what I SHOULD be doing.   Probably gonna dry heave some more. Yeah, dry heaving is defo on the schedule *wish I could get rid of that particular event , but the other option is eating enough to actually PUKE and that is so not on*.
Gonna email a couple of people. And hope they don't take that as a "call me right now".
And then I'll read back over this blog obsessively to see if my words came out the way I wanted them to.
Not that I'll ever correct them if they didn't.
And I'll think that I shouldn't wait so long between blogs.
And that I really have a lot of thoughts for it being a grey, thoughtless kind of day.


  1. *tossing a wrapped fudge covered oreo your way* wrapped for when u can enjoy it, you know?

  2. If I say I know how you feel, don't think I am jumping on your band wagon to add my bs or being condescending. I LOVE YOU AND THAT IS ALL :)
    And Grey rainy days are perfect for reflecting. Somehow that Grey makes things crystal clear. Big Warm Hug being sent your way.