Saturday, March 24, 2012
HERE COMES THE SUN
So I had a conversation earlier in the week with a reader and they were concerned that I might not be ok.
First let me say...THANK YOU....because you contacted me and asked about me and my family I realize that I am blessed. They say this is a dog eat dog world and that maybe true, but my life has taught me that its not the absolute truth. As a species we do care about our fellow homo sapiens. Our humanity is a beautiful thing.
I write as a release...I could control what comes out, but thats not very "relieving" (trust me i know: even the darkest things you see here have been censored and filtered, even in my angst I worry about how much I can share and exactly what way to share it so that it comes across as in a way that makes you think but not insane) . And as part creativity and majority compulsion, not everything that comes out is "easy" reading. It is real in that moment, Raw in that moment and Truth in that moment.
I hope you follow along as I continue to ramble. I hope that my ramblings give you pause to think, feel, laugh.
And since the last few of my ramblings have left some of you buying stock in candles for me, I wanted to let you all know that your prayers and mine are working. They always have. And so I Ramble away...
The sun always shines. Even we can't see it. Hidden behind raging dark clouds or just the other side of the world. The sun always shines. Dark times don't last always. 5For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. KJV Psalm30:5
Today I can't even pretend to be worried about the hard times. Some may call it fool hard. Some may say that I've been frivolous and flighty. And for the past couple of days I probably have been. I've indulged myself and I am glad about it.
With all the darkness that has been in my life, I realized something. Those times seem even darker too me because I made myself regret the things I enjoyed in the light times. In the times when things were lean, but I went a head and sampled the fat.
When the times dictated that I should scrimp and save and tighten my belt another notch. I've begrudged myself a donut hole or a candy bar.
WHY? WHY? The answer is that our humanity tells us when we are down we are supposed to give up those things, and its true, in the pursuit of the BIGGER PICTURE, we have to trim the fat back sometimes and live more than just a little lean.
But yesterday (friday) I spent money that I could have saved. The poor version of me is in her corner pouting, running numbers through her head, rapidly deciding what will have to be sacrificed to make up for this fool headed spending. The frugal me is calculating how many sales of books I am going to need to make over the next month or two to replace those funds.
But This me, who is light hearted and carefree is sitting on this lil' love seat smiling. I had a wonderful few days. My heart is light the sun shine felt so good on my skin. I'll never forget the way it caught in my husbands eye and twinkled as we drove with the windows down. And I am thinking, this is alright right now. It does not serve me to be so upset about things. Why? Why begrudge myself these fleeting moments of happiness that spring from the darkness.
I WILL NOT.
ha ha ha Like the time my cousin tried to make her daughter apologize for throwing a softball at my mothers head "S. say you're sorry. I NOT....I NOT SORRY AT ALL"
and what is more...I am not sorry about the hard times either. Because without them I wouldn't be so ridiculously giddy right now. If things were not as they were, I'd probably still be sitting on this love seat blogging, but I wouldn't have the perspective...the clarity that I have right now.
The Lord himself commands that we should be willing to sacrifice the worldly and material things of this world for the greater reward of our eternal wealth in the next life. But the lord also commands us to not pout about it.
Moreover when ye fast, be not, as the hypocrites, of a sad countenance: for they disfigure their faces, that they may appear unto men to fast. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. KJV Matthew 6:16
Now I know some of you are probably going "Drea really, you gone post that, cuz you umm see your last blogs?"
And I am going to say back to y'all ...Yup. I've seen my last blogs. Hell I wrote them. Who better than me, who is guilty of wallowing in my misery to prove a point about it. We all do it, to and extent, but I am not talking about everyone I am just talking about me.
Where I am going with this is, that I am tired of the warring with myself. We are conditioned that our troubles should be our own but our triumphs must be shared. It is ingrained within us to suffer in silence. But I have a problem with that. There is a lot that I keep in and to myself, but I believe that my expressing myself I release the negativity that holds me down...So I am more apt to blog, deep and disturbing things when my mind is trouble, my spirit not at peace. It is not that my life is some horrible M.Knight Shyamalan movie, but there is a drive in me...in my creativity to find release. And I do that through writing. And trust me you guys haven't seen the darkest of things. Writing and blogging is the way I talk not just to you all, but to myself and To the universe. And in purging those things that would hold me down I find release and renewal.
I can look up and see the stars through the rain clouds that are blown violently across the sky by the raging winds of life. 1I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
2My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.
3He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
4Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
5The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.
6The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
7The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
8The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore. KJV Psalm 121
Its like I've popped the top on a can of ENSURE that's been dancing around the refrigerator of my life singing DRINK ME I HAVE REVIGOR...
So I have had a wonderful and Amazing start to this weekend. I still have to finish packing and move and start the next chapter of the this crazy thing that is my life, but what I am trying to say in all this rambling is that I am ok.
In this moment I am ok. Though I am not all Dali Lama enough to lie and say I have no regrets, I am not haunted by them right now.
I have the love and support of a wonderful family, amazing friends and two awesome tastic dogs.
I got a fresh hair do, ( new life new look you know how we do) and I've got my whole life in front of me.
And Here Comes The Sun Sing it with me and Nina! *Dancing around my living room with a big goofy grin on my face*
I think I'll have a bomb pop and go to the park and swing today.
Today is gonna be a good good good day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!