Midnight Ramblings

It's after midnight, and my day of refusing to "work" is over. Tomorrow its back to the grind. Creativity, must be shackled and bent into the rules that make it marketable madness instead of just plan old madness.

I was probably going somewhere with this thought, but alas as normal some messenger or something is buzzing and I am distracted.  This distraction is welcome, its my good friend and according to her future mother in law to my first born son ( D, hurry up now my baby don't really want to be a cougar).

I was thinking about introducing the topic of my journey in TTC... for all of you who don't know that's trying to conceive (dude stay with me...because there are a MILLION abbreviations and here you thought just trying to keep up with regular text/im lingo was hard. I can have a whole conversation with other women (and men) in the world of TTC and never use more than one WHOLE word) .
Anyway,   me and she ( my lovely friend as well as a whole lot of other lovely friends) go way back. And we go way back on the subject of babies and how to make em.
She has been  ( like several people) a constant support. She's most definitely been my late night shoulder to cry on and together with her amazing husband make up a huge part of the party of warriors that have been praying for me when I forget to wait on God's timing.


So there it is, my foray into talking about the thing that I whisper about to a bunch of people separately, hint about publicly and am still really really unsure about sharing.  The journey for me has been hard because I share everything. Too much some people say. I share a lot of stuff that is meaningless, I think. I share a lot of things that have great meaning as well. But some things are hard to share. The pain and solitude...you don't want to add burden to people who, sure as the sky in Texas is big and wide, already have pain and suffering. You want to be a bright spot a light. So you hide those things that aren't spic and span. Aren't happy and feel goody.  You lock them away. They burrow even deeper into your spirit, suck at the marrow of your soul, dim the light behind your eyes and slow you smile.

Tonight while I am alone with my thoughts ( no i am not really alone, I am just kinda alone in the kitchen. CWB is asleep in the chair with Dee Oh Gee on his lap. Titan is here at my feet) and a batch of caramel turtles that must be frozen and shipped to Buffalo NY and a glass of whole milk ( side note I drink 1% milk because whole milk makes me congested, but I am fighting a serious vitamin d deficiency despite taking copious pills, eating all the fish I can get  and standing in the blistering Texas sun ALLL SUMMER LONG), Tonisha is here to give me light.

She starts with her customary salutation, then asks me what the hell is taking so long (yes, the first lady of the church cusses like a land-lock sailor with 12 stds) for me to make her baby girl a husband.
LOL. Tonisha dibsed my children as her children in law the day after she met me on the readers boards.
She has prayed with me through this journey from the day she meet me some 4 ish years ago.

Tonight I reveal to her that her children in law actually have names. We've tossed that conversation around ( really heavily in this past year) but never really told anyone we've settled on a name for a boy and a name for a girl.
Tonisha is delighted, the names actually fit really well with her children's names.  I also got the speech about how I am not allowed to have any fuggary with the names.  Nothing to ethnic...and by ethnic I mean  white or black. So that rules out my idea to name them after vehicles, LOL.

There will be no Chevy, Ford, Dodge, NOR Mercedes, Porche, Camry  or any other automotive sounding name. Also forbidden are La Qua  Ja'  or Bubba, Boudro, Cletus and such.
Then she reminded me of how I have actually been banned from naming even the pets in my house. ( Dee Oh Gee is not a bad name, its not my fault people can't take a joke...and Titan Claymore is a truth in advertising type of name. he is what he is... and the missing Humphree Cat fell into the truth in advertising as well, you figure that one out).
We talk about how her sweet Princess is sick and how she can't wait to watch me endure the trials of raising a kid. And we ponder WTF I know about raising a girl, good thing she finally has one so she can give me pointers (most of my god kids are boys in fact with the exception of sidthekid and the baby girl coming in Rochester, NY and my one sister friend from highs-school, all like nine million of them are boys). We've decided that due to Princess's puking we no longer like ensure or slim fast or any drink half way like that. Cuz apparently even after copious washing with bleach, soap and lysol, the smell of regurgitated ensure/pedi-a-sure LINGERS.

And just like that my heart is light.  My smile is back and I am once again encouraged. My mustard seed wasn't washed away in the storm, its planted in fertile soil and nurtured by a neighbor in times when  I can not find it in me to see to the garden myself.

I check the caramels and decide they'll have to be frozen all day then dipped and over night-ed on Thursday.  They will be a welcome Vday gift for Buffalo NY.  I glance at my husbands class ring on my right finger,  the Maltese cross there  under his name warms my heart and I've decided that I am done rambling here for the night.